You waste a lot of gas sitting there in your car, stop-and-go, for miles. For hours.
I think it’s funny how no one ever wonders what causes these traffic jams. Oh, there has to have been an accident. Right?
Wrong. Big Oil is causing them. They make billions every year keeping you stuck on the freeway at 15 m.p.h.
Surprised? You wouldn’t be if you weren’t such a sheep.
Here is how they do it: they hire really old people. Octogenarians. (No wise cracks about my age. I drive a Ferrari, and I’ve still got my driving chops, Jack.)
I don’t know who hit upon the formula, but it’s brilliant. Get old people out on the roads between 3 PM and 7 PM. They’ll naturally slow everyone down; their starting speed is about 25, and they just go slower from there. You get enough of them out there for long enough, and you have … well, you have traffic as it appears in every major U.S. city. As we say in D.C., a clusterf***.
Internal memos I have seen show that oil executives are behind this. (I can’t tell you the names, but they rhyme with “Hexon-Noble” and “Sevron”.) Satellite offices are set up in urban areas, and the poorest retirees are identified, the ones who couldn’t get a job at McDonald’s. Cars are supplied, equipped with governors that keep the car below 30 m.p.h. Schedules are set up. The old farts are hired and set up with a handler, who makes sure they get behind the wheel every day for their shift.
The result? Estimates are that this program causes the waste of about a billion gallons of gas every day. You’re burning 9 billion gallons per day here in the U.S. of A., so you do the math. That’s quite a sales boost for these fledgling little oil interests.
In this political climate, they’ll never be caught. For one thing, all you poor saps will never believe it. You never do. Even so, our self-appointed president for life is an old oil man himself, and he is a big supporter of this “oil-for-food” program. (The “Food” in this case would be a few courses at Pappas Bros. Steakhouse in Dallas.) It’s been working since the early 1990s, and there are no plans to stop it. Way too profitable.
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March 10th, 2009 at 7:20 pm |
I was just thinking about this today. So decided to see if anyone agrees with me. Its good to know that I am not the only one conviced that big oil causes traffic jam with intent.
October 30th, 2009 at 5:56 pm |
I’m convinced that you wrote this lame article to let everyone know you have a ferrari